Blonde Jokes
Dirty Jokes
Love Notes
One Liners
Quotations
Riddles
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100,000 sperm and you were the fastest? SEND
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. SEND
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. SEND
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. SEND
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. SEND
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. SEND
A closed mouth gathers no foot. SEND
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. SEND
A day without sunshine is like, night. SEND
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. SEND
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. SEND
All generalizations are false, including this one. SEND
All men are idiots, and I married their King. SEND
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. SEND
Always try to be modest and be proud of it! SEND
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. SEND
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. SEND
Assassins do it from behind. SEND
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. SEND
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. SEND
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. SEND
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. SEND
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore. SEND
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. SEND
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. SEND
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks SEND
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back. SEND
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! SEND
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. SEND
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. SEND
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group. SEND
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. SEND
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! SEND
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass? SEND
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy. SEND
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? SEND
Death is hereditary. SEND
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? SEND
Did anyone see my lost carrier? SEND
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick. SEND
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. SEND
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. SEND
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. SEND
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. SEND
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. SEND
Double your drive space. Delete Windows! SEND
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. SEND
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. SEND
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery. SEND
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue. SEND
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. SEND
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? SEND
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. SEND
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. SEND
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. SEND
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. SEND
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. SEND
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. SEND
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. SEND
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. SEND
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. SEND
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. SEND
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told. SEND
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade! SEND
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. SEND
Give me ambiguity or give me something else. SEND
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. SEND
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. SEND
He who laughs last thinks slowest. SEND
Honk if you love peace and quiet. SEND
Honk if you want to see my finger. SEND
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? SEND
How does Teflon stick to the pan? SEND
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. SEND
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. SEND
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. SEND
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. SEND
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. SEND
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. SEND
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. SEND
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. SEND
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? SEND
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. SEND
I took an IQ test and the results were negative. SEND
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. SEND
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. SEND
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke. SEND
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. SEND
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. SEND
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. SEND
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. SEND
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! SEND
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. SEND
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. SEND
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. SEND
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? SEND
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. SEND
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! SEND
If you can't convince them, confuse them. SEND
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? SEND
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you. SEND
If you haven't much education you must use your brain. SEND
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. SEND
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. SEND
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. SEND
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. SEND
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. SEND
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. SEND
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. SEND
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. SEND
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. SEND
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. SEND
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. SEND
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them. SEND
Keep honking. I'm reloading. SEND
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. SEND
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control. SEND
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. SEND
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. SEND
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. SEND
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. SEND
Montana: At least our cows are sane! SEND
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed! SEND
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once. SEND
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom. SEND
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states. SEND
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. SEND
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. SEND
Never mess up an apology with an excuse. SEND
Never miss a good chance to shut up. SEND
Never test the depth of the water with both feet. SEND
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. SEND
No one is listening until you make a mistake. SEND
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! SEND
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check? SEND
On the other hand, you have different fingers. SEND
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. SEND
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. SEND
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. SEND
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow. SEND
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. SEND
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. SEND
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. SEND
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader. SEND
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. SEND
Remember half the people you know are below average. SEND
Save the whales. Collect the whole set SEND
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date! SEND
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. SEND
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. SEND
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. SEND
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. SEND
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. SEND
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle. SEND
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. SEND
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. SEND
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! SEND
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have. SEND
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing. SEND
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. SEND
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. SEND
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. SEND
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. SEND
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. SEND
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. SEND
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. SEND
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. SEND
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER SEND
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. SEND
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. SEND
The shortest distance between two points is under construction. SEND
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. SEND
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel. SEND
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. SEND
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. SEND
There's too much blood in my caffeine system. SEND
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. SEND
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students. SEND
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. SEND
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. SEND
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. SEND
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. SEND
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. SEND
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship. SEND
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. SEND
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? SEND
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse. SEND
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! SEND
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? SEND
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? SEND
What's the speed of dark? SEND
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. SEND
When there's a will, I want to be in it. SEND
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. SEND
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? SEND
Who stopped payment on my reality check? SEND
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? SEND
Why is abbreviation such a long word? SEND
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? SEND
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. SEND
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot. SEND
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. SEND
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. SEND
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! SEND
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine. SEND
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. SEND
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